How quaint! So, probably well under 18. Oh! It’s a known fact that 56 percent of all men choose “Don’t You Want Me” as their main karaoke tune, and it’s not just for the awesome chorus. Lyrics in bold, my comments after. I’m glad we get to hear her perspective. He’s a dick. For whatever reason, though, I’d never really listened to the words beyond the chorus. It implies that you’re such a train wreck you’ll ruin everything when provoked. Assuming she’s actually not tied up in the basement with The Union Gap gathered around, it does seem like he’s cutting things off before they go to a weird place. If you’re taking your baby by the heel, you owe us all an explanation. Why would they even play that song here? Why is it too late for her to change her mind, terrifying narrator? Better run girl Great work. Girl 2: I am not doing another high stand. When we’re done, I’ll give it an official rating on the Horrifying Scale and we’ll all assume the fetal position. She can’t drive a car, Gary. It’s like he’s reading from his personal nightmare journal. Is the narrator trying to tell us that she was good looking but not much else? Don’t, don’t you want me? Sorry, I think I brought some of my own baggage into play just now. My love for you is way out of line I’d love to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you’re just being descriptive and metaphorical, Wang Chung guy, but based on the rest of your lyrics, I can only assume you’re asking us to literally force the stone into her mouth to satisfy some awful fetish. And that’s that! Is this like in The Shining when Jack realized he was about to go nuts and told Danny to get the hell out before the madness hit? Wait, what?! Is he trying to shame her with memories of her past? You’re much too young girl. When I, you and everyone we knew She pretty clearly doesn’t, and I think deep down you know that. Based on how you didn’t react at all to his earlier threats, I’m guessing you might have missed a few disturbing signs along the way. Would you swing them around dangerously? I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. This is not her bad! This is on you. And turned you around So let’s get to it! Why is your love “out of line,” Gary? I need to play upon fears more. You’re just a baby in disguise, Please tell me she’s not an actual baby. The three options, as I see them, are that the guy killed her, killed himself, or both. I know this is a song and therefore fiction, but I’m still worried about that young lady. Is he asking us to make a value judgment? You led me to believe you’re old enough It’s not innocent or melancholy at all; it’s vicious and angry! Secretly Horrifying Song Lyrics: "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and The Union Gap Young girl, get out of my mind. Does she drink white wine and talk about Oprah too much? My love for you is way out of line What is important is that the singer is advocating that we force women into non-consensual hand stands. In Durham, North Carolina, 98.7 FM plays everything. In your next relationship, look out for things like that. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO HER? If your enemy doesn’t care about himself, that just makes everything way more dangerous. Note to the girl: Why have you listened to this much of the song and not heeded his advice yet? Better run girl (But wait, why was the narrator in the cocktail bar in the first place??? And because he’s depicting a creepy scenario to make a point rather than acting one out because he’s deranged, we’re going to have to give “Don’t You Want Me” two separate scores. And since most radio is terrible, and my 1992 iPod nano battery dies when exposed to oxygen, 98.7 is my go-to for the occasional fun ‘80s hit and at least one song by Heart every 30 minutes. Who invited that guy? With all the charms of a woman You may have noticed right off the bat that the HSL franchise has undergone an exciting re-branding.It … Were you, though? (That last question is just for me…I’m thinking of getting an electric toothbrush.). Just tell me that, and we can move on. There’s nothing more inspiring than old people still pursuing love after a lifetime of bitterness, pain, regret, and GETTING SCREWED BY THE MAN. Okay, now I’m starting to get a little concerned. And I’m not up for that. Definitely was not expecting that length of relationship. The waitress strikes back! Do you walk alone at night often? Success has been so easy for you”. Bottom line: If Wang Chung guy is around, avoid dance halls for a few days. We all know the song. THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE! What happened to this country’s morals!? I don’t often use the phrase “intent on harm,” but it feels like this guy may be intent on harm. Personally, I can’t count the number of break-ups I’ve avoided by shouting things like, “you’re nothing without me! Girl 1: Always keep your hands in your pockets. Quick question, female narrator: Did you notice the part above where he seemed really, really dangerous? Throw us a bone here. And of course, please check out our previous installments at the end of this post if you’re craving more lyric-induced terror. Surprisingly Smart Legal Moves By … Right now we’re reaching peak-horrifying levels, because Gary is blaming a girl who might be, like…gah, as young as 14?...for fooling him. Yup, this is definitely a basement situation. Still, how bad could it be? Either with or without you I wish your mom would show up and be like, “what the fuck are you doing?” and hit you with a rolling pin. Wrong on both ends. It doesn’t make it better when you console someone after manhandling their hair, hands, and heels, Wang Chung guy. And what exactly is a “high” hand stand? MusicSecretly Horrifying Song Lyrics: "Young Girl" by Gary Puckett and The Union GapBy Shane RyanOctober 17, 2013 Music Secretly Horrifying Song Lyrics: "Don't You … The word “young’ here could mean anything. How often do you see pop tackle issues like that anymore? "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus": As adults, we all get that the "Santa" in this song is really the … Wellll, the first thing that comes up is that Gary Puckett didn’t even write this song. Bring food. © 2020 Paste Media Group. The truth is, this song resonates. As you might guess by the appearance of the female narrator, lead singer Philip Oakey designed the song as a meta-commentary. Or we will both be sorry. Alone with me. What you want to do in the privacy of your own home is one thing, Wang Chung guy, but again, NOT IN THE DANCE HALL! It turned my entire world upside down, and I’m worried that it’s going to ruin a fun, wistful pop song forever. So, before we assign “Don’t You Want Me” an official Horror Rating, it’s time to look at the backstory. Usually when you threaten someone, you’re focusing on them. He’s just taking his girl by the hand. I’ve read Andy Capp comics. I’m an awkward dancer, and maybe this is what I’ve been missing. Don’t, don’t you want me? There’s nothing at all to diminish the utter terror we all feel right now. Lyrics in bold, my commentary after. Why would you force someone to do a hand stand? But in this case, you’re essentially saying, “If you pull anything on me, I am such a loose cannon that we are BOTH screwed, amigo.” It’s somehow even more terrifying, right? Did he own a lot of photos of you that he posted all over his bedroom wall with words like “PERFECTION” and “IMMORTAL DIVINE” written in aggressive magic marker? Those aren’t even dance moves, Wang Chung guy! We’re back, and for the first time since the first time, we’re headed to the magical ‘80s. It feels like I’m tied to a chair in a basement. If anyone still has newspapers saved from 1981, please check this out for me. You’re much too young girl. Do you think electric toothbrushes are better than the normal ones? When I met you”, Okay, pretty innocuous start. Also, to be fair to Gary, this re-raises an important point about her parents. You missed some obvious clues. For the first time ever, we’re using a reader submission! (Long pause.) And the song was “In My Time of Dying” by Led Zeppelin. DEAR GIRL: WHY HAVEN’T YOU RUN YET?!?!? Still no running, huh? Oh my God oh my God oh my God. I guess it’s just what I must do. And play upon her darkest fears. I want my America back! This is me playing “My Heart Bleeds For You” on a violin. Don’t you want me? Last Friday he held me by my heels and gave me a wedgie for an entire song. Does she do water aerobics on Saturdays and drive a minivan? Where are the parents here? That’s all we want to know. ), “Now five years later on you’ve got the world at your feet Suffice it to say, this irritates her.). He still produces, and seems “okay.” But there’s no mollifying explanation for “Young Girl.” Or America: The song reached no. Oddly enough, Oakey didn’t even want it released as a single because he thought it was too poppy, but it’s certainly made him a lot of money since. Believe it, dude. Why aren’t you answering me?! We were cool on craze Shouldn’t she be in school? Here though, it just feels a lot like I’m being asked to violently remove someone’s eyeballs and replace them with two gems I brought along for the occasion. You’re much too young girl. Five lines in, and he’s already a confirmed dick. You know I can’t believe it when I hear that you won’t see me She tells him she would have succeeded with or without his help, and even says she still loves him. Yup. Young girl, get out my mind (Or pictures of the times they had sex, because pretty clearly that would inspire a strong, “Oh God, you had sex with that guy?” reaction from the general public. I want my horror, and yours, to be raw and unfiltered. All Rights Reserved. More to the point, Gary, I see you’re starting to make excuses for yourself. And actually, this is a pretty tame response. Really, though, what’s up? There’s just way too much instability here for a scenario that doesn’t involve death. I will not say no. So hurry home to your mama The song, which has over two million hits on YouTube despite being released in 1968 (which I believe predates the site), is undoubtedly familiar to any fan of ‘60s music. Why are you so cynical? I am fucking not doing it. When I, you and everyone we knew All Rights Reserved. Did he bury his head in your hair and take long sniffs? All Rights Reserved. NOT HERE! Come on, Troy! Or don’t.). Perhaps…with violence? We were so in phase 2 on Billboard 100. The five years we have had have been such good times WANG CHUNG IS WEIRD. And if you’d like to submit a song for consideration to “Secretly Horrifying Song Lyrics,” send an email to mailbag@pastemagazine.com. Look, I’m going to say it: That’s not as innocent as taking your baby by the hand. Because right now, that seems like the most plausible explanation. In our dance hall days This is obviously just classic feel-good Americana, hearkening back to a time of square dances and town picnics and quilting bees. Is The Union Gap there too? And those are just the things we could get to in a short song. It seems like an ode to more innocent times, when all we cared about was the dance hall. (Funny side note: Band member Susan Ann Sulley frequently has to explain that the song isn’t about her, and that she never worked as a cocktail waitress. If you’d like to submit a song for consideration to “Secretly Horrifying Song Lyrics,” send an email to mailbag@pastemagazine.com. If so, please report it to the FBI immediately. That much is true Conversation among Wang Chung guy’s peer group upon seeing him enter the dance hall. Personally, I think Troy is dead wrong and we’re going to find that any sign of horror was just a funny misunderstanding. That either means there’s a restraining order in place, or one is coming. He’s going a’courtin’! Unless, that is, you know what’s coming next. Is this a REDRUM situation, Gary? You think you’ve changed your mind. That’s a huge turn-on.”, It’s much too late to find Call me crazy, but I think that girl would have dumped me sometime after the forced handstand or the heel grabbing. If so, my bad. Is there a threat of violence here? Doesn’t she have the same license to choose her romantic partners as you or I?

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